Christianity is alcohol: In your eyes, everyone is your best friend. You stumble around (loudly and annoyingly) professing how much you love everyone- until somebody disagrees with you. Then you’ll try to break a chair over their back, or get your drunk friends to hold them while you beat the shit out of them. Everybody is friendly to your face, but mutters about what a crazy alcoholic you are behind your back. Lucky for you there’s strength in numbers.

Judaism is LSD: you hallucinate voices coming from the top of a mountain, you have thoughtful conversations with incandescent bushes, and you’ll believe you have superpowers- like the ability to control water. Occasionally you’ll have a bad trip and see floods and horrible plagues surrounding (but not affecting) you, or you might try to kill your son before you snap out of it.

Islam is Crack Cocaine: that shit’s powerfully addictive, cheap to get your hands on, and will probably end your life.

Buddhism is weed: you just want to mellow out and sit there- maybe eat. Maybe eat a lot. It’s ok if you’re a fat grinning layabout.

Mormonism is Ritalin: oh my god you need to stay focused and get this shit done. You are so fucking obedient, your grades are exemplary, you’re like the perfect kid and it’s pretty annoying. It’ll fuck up your brain chemistry though, so have fun with the ability to count every flap of a hummingbird’s wings while the normal kids warily keep their distance.

Scientology is Meth: everyone knows you shouldn’t do it. People kind of feel sorry for you that you’re so addicted to it, but at the same time you knew what you were getting in to. You won’t have a penny left by the time it’s all over.

Atheism is being straight-edge: not quite, you may have tried one or several of the drugs, but you grew out of it and realized- while it may be fun- it’s a stupid waste of time and it’ll ruin your ability to get things you want. All the users will agree on how much they hate you because your lack of addiction makes you look condescending and arrogant. They’ll make you out to be the bad guy.

Feel free to post any additions/edits in the comments.